I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Randomize
