fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
