I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point