Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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