put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
