I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
