so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
