Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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