rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
