Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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