dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
