you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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