Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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