I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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