Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
