i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
