haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So apparently I’m into choking now
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