I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
