she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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