There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How's work?
Spinning.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
