someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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