im drinking this country out of the recession.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
