What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
