i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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