If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
