Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
