then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
