I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
