I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
