I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
