I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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