Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
