I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
