Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
