i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.