Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half