I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
4 words: hood of his car
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.