i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
