i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
