It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
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WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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