I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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