i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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