I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
