you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
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Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
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Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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