Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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