So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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