i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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