i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
