why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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