the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
