Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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