I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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