Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
