She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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